A Taste of My Own Medicine

dose of medicine karma relationships Aug 15, 2022

I have tasted the bitterness that comes with ended relationships and I must say, I do not like it one bit. I’ve always been someone who prided myself in doing right by others. If ever a relationship I’m in comes to an end, it’s usually because I’ve been wronged in some way, not that I’m the one in the wrong. And if you wrong me, you better be prepared to lose me altogether, because I’m not in the business of re-friending folks and I have very little understanding for shit that I consider myself to be super clear on. It doesn’t matter how much history or time we’ve put in – in my experience that works against you because the longer we’ve known each other, the more you should know and the deeper our bond should be, which should prevent wrongdoing altogether, but to each is own. And people are human.

This was very much who I was – and am working against being: unforgiving. I couldn’t even understand the concept of forgiveness, let alone offer it to someone who hurt me in some capacity. I’m just out. I’m too sensitive of a muhfucka to just be allowing people to walk all over me. You only have to show me once who you’re capable of being toward me and that’s enough for me to part ways. 

I wrestled with this recently though. I had a friend. We didn’t have much time or history, but in the short period of time we got to know one another, we developed a bond. And I liked her – like really liked her. She quickly became one of my faves and I even opened up to her in a way I hadn’t with people I’d known for years. We shared a special kind of friendship – one that ended suddenly because she did some shit that had me looking at her sideways. Details don’t matter, but suffice it to say it had me fucked up on multiple levels and I had to reevaluate the relationship and the harm and the damage outweighed the benefits of the friendship, so I let it go. 

Normally I don’t have any issues cutting people off and not thinking twice about them again. This time was different. I actually missed her and considered rekindling the friendship, but when I really sat down and thought about the situation and the circumstances to how I learned about it, it led me to the conclusion that she just couldn’t be trusted. And I already have a host of trust issues that don’t have anything to do with people who end up having to deal with it. Add that on top of a legitimate reason not to trust someone in particular – we’re just spinning. For no reason at all.

 Fast forward some months and now I’m on the receiving end of my own bullshit. Apparently, I do do things that others would want to unfriend me for. Who’d a thunk, at 30 something, after I’ve managed to successfully glide through life without being the bad guy, that I would in turn be the bad guy to someone who means the world to me. I’m still confused as to what exactly happened there, but I do know that I committed one of his ultimate sins and it’s in turn landed me in the space where I’ve left so many others over the years without batting an eye.

I don’t like it here. It’s some bullshit. Just to think that someone I’ve known and loved for over half my life could dispose of me so easily is very unsettling. I’ve had people get mad at me before. I am not without faults. I’ve issued a number of apologies over the years, but if I’m being honest – not many. It’s because I don’t accept apologies, so I don’t give them. I’m lying, I accept apologies from kids under 5 because at that age, they usually don’t know that you can just say sorry to someone to smooth things over without ever being truly sorry. And I normally don’t give apologies because if I’m being honest, I’m usually not sorry for things that I do. Like I said before, I tend to do right by people. If someone is offended by something I’ve said or done, I generally provide them with some understanding which usually takes the offense off the table and obviates the need for the apology. Good intentions coupled with good behavior generally goes a long way.

But I’ve recently discovered when good intentions and questionable behavior coincide, the offense may be one in which even a sincere apology gets you nowhere. Even if you have a good track record. Even if you were trying to prevent future harm. Funny how that works. They do say that no good deed goes unpunished. Welp. 

Except it’s not welp. Normally I’m always prepared to never talk to someone ever again in life. Not this guy. He’s like my favorite person ever! I wanted to keep him forever. And I can’t decide if I should be bending over backwards to get his forgiveness or if I should just let sleeping dogs lie because I don’t feel like what I did was unforgiveable, but then again, it’s not my forgiveness scale that matters here. I guess I what I need to figure out more than anything is how to reconcile and make amends. I think right now I can give him time because I’ve said all I could say. And I can’t do too much without his participation. 

Shit’s a tough pill to swallow. Might have to circle back and check in on some people I did this to. It’s fucked up.

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